


Changes

by uzumagay



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Episode 1, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, POV Second Person, both mentioned - Freeform, kind of choppy? theres snippets really, with lukas tho isnt that a given
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-24
Updated: 2016-11-24
Packaged: 2018-09-01 21:20:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8638516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uzumagay/pseuds/uzumagay
Summary: You’ve been a little obsessed with Philip from the moment he came to school. Tivoli is small, too small for there to be new students, so Philip starting was a shock to everyone around. You remember the way his eyes darted around quickly, nervously, like he expected someone to hit him for simply taking up space in a classroom.





	

You’ve been a little obsessed with Philip from the moment he came to school. Tivoli is small, too small for there to be new students, so Philip starting was a shock to everyone around. You remember the way his eyes darted around quickly, nervously, like he expected someone to hit him for simply taking up space in a classroom.

 

\- 

 

You’re sitting there in a classroom, eyes tracing over the line of his jaw over and over and caught between thinking  _ why isn’t my jawline like that  _ and  _ what would it be like to kiss it _ and feeling a little nauseous at both thoughts. You cross your arms and press them close to your body, forcing your eyes back to the numbers on the board, the teacher’s voice droning in your ears. 

 

-

 

Philip is more friendly than his resting face would give away, and he quickly accepts your offer to help get videos for your sponsors. You feel sick in a good way when you visibly watch him melt, getting more comfortable and smiling wider at you, his teeth showing when he laughs. You ignore thoughts like  _ he would taste like the hot chocolate i bought him _ and let him record you. The videos are impressive, and your excitement makes him smile more at you, and you want to ( _ kiss him) _ be sick when he does. You don’t throw up. You make a deal to do this again.

 

-

 

You have dreams about Philip. Some of innocent smiles and hands that shake when fingertips touch. Some full of fast breaths against your lips and the warm feeling of a warm body pressed between you and the door of your bedroom, the sounds of lips and gasps and his hands running underneath your shirt until he pushes it off and kisses down your  _ collarcheststomachpelvis-- _

 

-

 

You can’t look him in the eyes the day you wake up finding the dream had been enough to send you back to  _ 0 days since i’ve had a wet dream _ . 

 

-

 

There’s a moment, after you invite him back to the cabin, where you realize that this isn’t a good idea. You can handle being alone with him on the course where you ride your bike, but your hands still shake when he gets close and you want to  _ (press against him and kiss him until he’s gripping your hair and moaning in your mouth)  _ press the hair out of his face when the wind pushes it into his eyes. You feel  _ (hot)  _ sick at the thought. Nothing happens at the cabin other than talk about the video and trigonometry homework. 

 

-

 

You admire your own self control. You’re sitting in the cabin again, and he hands you the bottle and you wipe off the mouth of it before sipping. 

You don’t drink often, and you don’t think Philip does either, because once the bottle is gone you’re feeling warm  _ (impulsive)  _ and Philip’s cheeks are red and his lips are spread in a smile as he talks to you. 

_ (he mentioned rose once, while you two were drinking, but you could never think about rose when he’s sitting in front of you, strong jawline and pretty brown eyes, full lips you’ve dreamed about having on your--) _

You slip up, and you know it  _ (wasn’t)  _ the alcohol that made you breathe the words  _ you’re amazing you’re amazing you’re amazing _ , and you see the way he looks at your mouth, and you look at his and  _ (you know what this means) _ you panic when he moves closer to you. Full lips coming closer like he was going to kiss you, and you  _ (want it, want it so bad you’re sick with it sometimes)  _ push him out of the way because  _ what the fuck is he doing it doesn’t work like that-- _

Everything around you seems to slow, like the earth decided this was the perfect time to take a break from its pace. You can hear your heartbeat in your ears. You take shaky breaths. You try to fix this. 

You talk about motocross, but he’s uninterested. You feel your stomach turn and a gagging feeling in the back of your throat that you force away. 

_ No, I’m not, actually, so. _

He goes to stand, and you grab him, because he can’t leave with this being the last memory you have of him, angry-set face and tense shoulders beneath his jacket. You’re breathing fast, but you reach and move until you’re facing him and his arm is under your hand. 

 

-

 

Kissing Philip is stressful and terrifying and makes you feel like your heart’s going to fucking explode because all you can think about are  _ (those lips his jaw under your hand his hand coming up to rest hot on your neck)  _ the faces of your dad and Rose and everyone in the fucking town if they knew this was happening. 

You pull away, and he follows, and you whisper out soft protests, and you don’t know why you do. All you know is he moved forward when you moved back, like he wants this  _ (as much as you do) _ too. He wants it, and you move closer and kiss him again feeling like your heart is pounding too hard and the reverberations of it is what’s making your hands shake as you bring them back up to hold his face. You kiss again, but you can’t stop  _ thinking thinking thinking _ about your dad, Rose, and everyone all watching you and it makes you feel  _ sick. _

 

_ - _

 

Philip pushes off your shirt with his palm running up your chest, and you breathe out a shaky sigh at the feeling. Rose hasn’t touched you like this  _ (and you don’t really want her to - her hands are too small, too soft, not like philip’s enough to get you worked up and--)  _ yet, and you don’t think about it. All you think about is Philip’s hands, his mouth, and when he tries to hand you a condom you want to  _ (cry with relief)  _ scream. 

You smack his hand away. He tells you it’s fine, he’s done this before and jealously rolls in your stomach but when he kisses you, you just let him pull you back down--

The headlights pull you away.

 

-

 

Your hands have never shook so hard in your life. This isn’t right. This isn’t right. Philip says something as you throw the gun into the lake, but you don’t hear. You can’t hear anything other than the pounding in your own head. You hear yourself say things to him, but everything feels secondary to what just happened. Nothing registers until his shaky and scared voice 

 

_ If you hadn't stopped him -- _

 

You hold him close, because ( _ he’s right if you hadn’t done anything philip would have a bullet in his head) _ he looks so scared, and it calms you down. You feel better holding him. 

 

You go home.

**Author's Note:**

> thank u for reading and hit me up on tumblr and please talk to me about lukas at @ uzumagay.tumblr.com


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